THROWBACK THURSDAY Piece : “I Don’t Remember” 2002

I don’t remember my past lives, or what I ate last night for dinner…

I don’t remember when you said you loved me

I don’t remember when you left

I don’t remember how much money I spent this week, or what it would be converted in yen

I don’t remember sunset walks or moonlit talks, strolls in the park, or road trips on never ending highways

I don’t remember what chicken cacciatore tastes like, or carrot cake frosting

I don’t remember what your kisses were like, or the scar you have underneath your nose… right above your lip

I don’t remember catching fireflies, or setting them free, or even walking underneath persistent rains

I don’t remember being rushed, nervous, or even scared… I don’t remember your heavy stare

I can barely recall our memories… but do remember being blank

I don’t remember feeling this empty.  I don’t remember you.

Fight the Good Fight

I went to my best friend’s grandfather’s funeral today.  As I sat in the back of the room looking around at all the faces that I know and love and all the faces that I haven’t seen before, there was one face I couldn’t keep my eyes off of and that was the face of Juana, grandmother extraordinaire and wife of Leo, who is now laying in front of a packed room, at rest, for all of us to see.  I gazed upon her through my silent heartbreak as no one watched and I learned so much.  She was a woman in love with a man for 65 years, a love that traveled with them from Cuba, to the US and a love that created a family that could live on their hopes and dreams for the sacrifices they had made.

I had an epiphany, an awakening, an enlightenment that I had not had before.  I walked up to the casket with a tremble in my step, nervous and scared.  The last time I saw him he was asking me to dance and if I was going to smoke a cigar later.  “you’re looking great, mi niña.”  The knot in my throat grew and the tears rolled from my eyes and there on the top of the open casket, a note. It read “Leo, Te amaré por siempre, Nita” and that’s when it hit me, that no matter the things life throws at you, love is forever.  Real love fights the battles of heartache, war, sickness, and indifference and surpasses them and wins them with truth, honesty, and second chances.

It’s about the risks you take on finding that love that count and it is how your hands bleed from holding on to it so tight because you know it is home.  You know it’s your true north.

It was the moment I looked into her eyes, and saw the eyes of a teenager who just lost her first love- A watery mix of peace and angst; Heartbreak and acceptance- that it really hit me, life expires and it’s how you choose your path and the chances that you take which will define you as a person.

Life can be taken in a few moments and I realized that I shouldn’t be wasting my time waiting for things to happen to me, I should be taking the risks to get the things I want; not only in life, but in love.

On this day so close to celebrating 65 years of devotion, laughs, and cries, she remains to be a woman with a life fulfilled.  I thought to myself, this is how I want to be.  I want to know in my old age I fought for the things I wanted and I fought for the people I loved.

Beer and Doughnuts. Vodka and Tomatoes.

This post is about friends.

I have been very lucky in my life to have very long lasting friendships.  Some have been around since childhood and others high school, but what I have learned as I got older is that longevity doesn’t mean friendship… compassion, understanding, and the willingness to go along with your friend’s insane ideas… that is friendship.

Non-judgmental and unconditional… filled with obscenity, inappropriate behavior, and incriminating pictures. These are the things that comprise a bond that will last forever, and not only because those pictures can ruin you.


The company you keep affects your life on so many levels and even some you may not realize.  Surround yourself with negative people, some aspects of your own life will take that quality.  The key is…Trim the fat.  Re-examine the people you allow in your inner circle, your safe space.  How do they help you and how do they hurt you…


Compartmentalize.  You have your ride or die friends, you have all seen each other naked at some point… you have ridiculous inside jokes no one else would understand… you’ve been in situations with them that you would never dare speak of again… they know your inner most deepest secrets. You fart in front of each other. These people are forever.


You have your hang out friends… your weekend warriors… you drink hard Friday night and immediately call them Saturday morning for recon to make sure those hours you can’t remember weren’t totally embarrassing. Drinking buddies that you think twice about before sending out that “what are you up to?” text for fear you may not make it home until Monday.  They’ve occasionally held your hair back and/or cleaned vomit off of you at some point in time.  This of course you will never remember.


Then there is just everyone else.


Now to the point… never underestimate yourself or let people make you feel like less of a person.  I learned very quickly that the “friends” I thought were real because of longevity, really were just fillers for my life.  Filling in the blanks to certain points in time where they functioned.  While my REAL and TRUE friends were waiting in the background.  These filler friends were self-fish… only needed you around to fulfill their needs (emotional or otherwise).  They came with judgments and haterism (not a word but you know what I’m saying!)  Some were around to use and abuse, some sucking the energy right out of you with their insecurities.  Moral is REAL friends don’t do this.  REAL friends are fighting the battles and telling the jokes in the trenches with you… not in the sidelines judging your battle plans.


My life became more fulfilled when I finally realized who these people in my life were.  I dropped the negativity that was around me and began to prosper in a way that I didn’t think possible.  I became the better version of me, just because I know that these friends (who really have become my brothers and sisters) accept me the way I am, support even my craziest ideas whole-heartedly, and love me with no conditions.


If you have these people in your life, always let them know you are aware of their awesomeness, because these friendships don’t happen all the time in a world where each man is usually about his own agenda.


Beer and Doughnuts.Vodka and Tomatoes. (this is one of those nonsensical inside jokes we share)

A World Away…

It isn’t all the time

You can steal this heart

But a captive to your smile

It remains.

All the same, all these years

In a prison of memories

In a prison of broken promises

And broken dreams

That I still secretly wish will

Come true.

It is you.

Forever etched into the walls of my heart

You pull at strings I never knew existed,

You keep me twisted.

Stuck in your kiss… the same one from that first time

Over a decade gone and still I’m here

Free but enslaved

Free and enraged


Mostly because

I crave something tangible

Simple, like a hand to hold

Easy, like for you to know…that…

I Still Love You.


I’m banking on fantasies

Fixated on niceties

That I play over in my mind’s eye

The eye that I wish were blind.

It is in my nature to believe

And I live somewhere in between …

On this cloud, in a limbo, where you

Come back to me.


You show that you love me too,

Doubt does not live here, within these

Walls anymore… but

Time, time is having its way with us

Time is testing our days

But this sand is infinite… as is this love…

As is this trust.

No matter the distance,

No matter the cost.

All of this is yours.


I  just crave something tangible

Simple, like a hand to hold

Easy, like for you to know…that…

I Still Love You.


I never understood “sex and the city”…

…until I turned 30… and this post is not headed where you think… read on 😉
now you must understand, this was a phenomena of the late 90’s and early 00’s… that dates me at about the ages of 19-23 at the time the sex and the city craze took over the airwaves and minds of women everywhere.  I’d cringe every time I heard references of martini’s and cosmos, jimmy choo’s or manolo’s.  What substance did any of these references hold? In my eyes, not a damn thing… I called it brain wash.  At the time I had a guy friend who was dating a very high maintenance girl…    He would get very annoyed at the fact that all she wanted to do was live this “sex and the city” lifestyle.  When I look back now, I think he was annoyed because her desire over powered his own desire to live his version of this life in the fast lane.  I see now that jealousy manifests itself in different ways. Ha! Retrospect is a son of a bitch!
Anyways, back to the point… I never understood “sex and the city”, until I turned 30. I was sitting with a group of friends watching TV and there it was, a marathon of my most “favorite” show.  Then it happened… I got sucked in. Hard and fast. I looked over to my besty best and said OMG WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING OUT ON.  After I watched about 4 hours during a Florida thunderstorm of what I like to refer to as the “Sex and the City” highlights reel it hit me. I understood why I hated the idea of it when I was 19/20 and I loved the idea of it in my 30s.  I now had enough life under my belt (figuratively and literally) to relate to the lives of Carrie and her BFFs.  The show was about the fundamentals of basic human relationships.  The bond between a group of friends, the angst of trying to connect to a person romantically.  The pain of loving unconditionally.  BUT it wasn’t until I was introduced to the idea of Big that I truly decided that YES… I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SHOW and would in the future dedicate many Sunday afternoons to E! or Style watching marathons that were more like the Carrie Cliff Notes.  I found myself excited at the idea of what a woman goes through not only to find her soul mate but to keep meaningful friendships and relationships alive.  I was not invested in the individual characters as much as their experiences and the ideas these experiences brought to the table.
Now it being  valentine’s day I thought it’d be appropriate to lightly deconstruct this relationship of Carrie and Big. Mostly b/c I am a sentimental fool and romantic at heart.
Big made me nostalgic.  He brought my mind and heart to a place I thought it left behind.  He made me think about someone who I realized was MY Big.  That person who always seems to be doing other things but never leaves you at peace.  Always far but close at the same time.  This guy we’ve all had in our lives.  You may still have him lingering in the distance, or you may have got the timing finally right and are with him now.  All in all, though, he was the one that haunted you, guided your decisions, made you do questionable things just for the sake of spending moments together.  You listened to his voice-mails because you were afraid to pick up when he randomly looked for you.  Sometimes you picked up right away because you knew nothing would be better at that moment than to hear his voice. You were once his one and only, and you were once the other woman, and you were once his best friend and you were once enemies. Through all this, though, you were always in love, just never got the timing right.  Well if this man exists for you… there is a reason, you just need to figure it out. La vida te da sorpresas…let it take you where it needs to go.  On this Valentine’s Day, love from your gut and the depths of your soul.  Put your heart out there, love on a whim or take a leap of faith… OR just be still in that love and reflect on it if you can’t be with your sweetheart.
Chica Veda