THROWBACK THURSDAY Piece : “I Don’t Remember” 2002

I don’t remember my past lives, or what I ate last night for dinner…

I don’t remember when you said you loved me

I don’t remember when you left

I don’t remember how much money I spent this week, or what it would be converted in yen

I don’t remember sunset walks or moonlit talks, strolls in the park, or road trips on never ending highways

I don’t remember what chicken cacciatore tastes like, or carrot cake frosting

I don’t remember what your kisses were like, or the scar you have underneath your nose… right above your lip

I don’t remember catching fireflies, or setting them free, or even walking underneath persistent rains

I don’t remember being rushed, nervous, or even scared… I don’t remember your heavy stare

I can barely recall our memories… but do remember being blank

I don’t remember feeling this empty.  I don’t remember you.

Fight the Good Fight

I went to my best friend’s grandfather’s funeral today.  As I sat in the back of the room looking around at all the faces that I know and love and all the faces that I haven’t seen before, there was one face I couldn’t keep my eyes off of and that was the face of Juana, grandmother extraordinaire and wife of Leo, who is now laying in front of a packed room, at rest, for all of us to see.  I gazed upon her through my silent heartbreak as no one watched and I learned so much.  She was a woman in love with a man for 65 years, a love that traveled with them from Cuba, to the US and a love that created a family that could live on their hopes and dreams for the sacrifices they had made.

I had an epiphany, an awakening, an enlightenment that I had not had before.  I walked up to the casket with a tremble in my step, nervous and scared.  The last time I saw him he was asking me to dance and if I was going to smoke a cigar later.  “you’re looking great, mi niña.”  The knot in my throat grew and the tears rolled from my eyes and there on the top of the open casket, a note. It read “Leo, Te amaré por siempre, Nita” and that’s when it hit me, that no matter the things life throws at you, love is forever.  Real love fights the battles of heartache, war, sickness, and indifference and surpasses them and wins them with truth, honesty, and second chances.

It’s about the risks you take on finding that love that count and it is how your hands bleed from holding on to it so tight because you know it is home.  You know it’s your true north.

It was the moment I looked into her eyes, and saw the eyes of a teenager who just lost her first love- A watery mix of peace and angst; Heartbreak and acceptance- that it really hit me, life expires and it’s how you choose your path and the chances that you take which will define you as a person.

Life can be taken in a few moments and I realized that I shouldn’t be wasting my time waiting for things to happen to me, I should be taking the risks to get the things I want; not only in life, but in love.

On this day so close to celebrating 65 years of devotion, laughs, and cries, she remains to be a woman with a life fulfilled.  I thought to myself, this is how I want to be.  I want to know in my old age I fought for the things I wanted and I fought for the people I loved.

I never understood “sex and the city”…

…until I turned 30… and this post is not headed where you think… read on 😉
now you must understand, this was a phenomena of the late 90’s and early 00’s… that dates me at about the ages of 19-23 at the time the sex and the city craze took over the airwaves and minds of women everywhere.  I’d cringe every time I heard references of martini’s and cosmos, jimmy choo’s or manolo’s.  What substance did any of these references hold? In my eyes, not a damn thing… I called it brain wash.  At the time I had a guy friend who was dating a very high maintenance girl…    He would get very annoyed at the fact that all she wanted to do was live this “sex and the city” lifestyle.  When I look back now, I think he was annoyed because her desire over powered his own desire to live his version of this life in the fast lane.  I see now that jealousy manifests itself in different ways. Ha! Retrospect is a son of a bitch!
Anyways, back to the point… I never understood “sex and the city”, until I turned 30. I was sitting with a group of friends watching TV and there it was, a marathon of my most “favorite” show.  Then it happened… I got sucked in. Hard and fast. I looked over to my besty best and said OMG WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING OUT ON.  After I watched about 4 hours during a Florida thunderstorm of what I like to refer to as the “Sex and the City” highlights reel it hit me. I understood why I hated the idea of it when I was 19/20 and I loved the idea of it in my 30s.  I now had enough life under my belt (figuratively and literally) to relate to the lives of Carrie and her BFFs.  The show was about the fundamentals of basic human relationships.  The bond between a group of friends, the angst of trying to connect to a person romantically.  The pain of loving unconditionally.  BUT it wasn’t until I was introduced to the idea of Big that I truly decided that YES… I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SHOW and would in the future dedicate many Sunday afternoons to E! or Style watching marathons that were more like the Carrie Cliff Notes.  I found myself excited at the idea of what a woman goes through not only to find her soul mate but to keep meaningful friendships and relationships alive.  I was not invested in the individual characters as much as their experiences and the ideas these experiences brought to the table.
Now it being  valentine’s day I thought it’d be appropriate to lightly deconstruct this relationship of Carrie and Big. Mostly b/c I am a sentimental fool and romantic at heart.
Big made me nostalgic.  He brought my mind and heart to a place I thought it left behind.  He made me think about someone who I realized was MY Big.  That person who always seems to be doing other things but never leaves you at peace.  Always far but close at the same time.  This guy we’ve all had in our lives.  You may still have him lingering in the distance, or you may have got the timing finally right and are with him now.  All in all, though, he was the one that haunted you, guided your decisions, made you do questionable things just for the sake of spending moments together.  You listened to his voice-mails because you were afraid to pick up when he randomly looked for you.  Sometimes you picked up right away because you knew nothing would be better at that moment than to hear his voice. You were once his one and only, and you were once the other woman, and you were once his best friend and you were once enemies. Through all this, though, you were always in love, just never got the timing right.  Well if this man exists for you… there is a reason, you just need to figure it out. La vida te da sorpresas…let it take you where it needs to go.  On this Valentine’s Day, love from your gut and the depths of your soul.  Put your heart out there, love on a whim or take a leap of faith… OR just be still in that love and reflect on it if you can’t be with your sweetheart.
xo,
Chica Veda